爆笑说说大全 爆笑笑话笑死人不偿命

1．现在银行卡我连密码都不想设置了，用六位数字去保护两位数的存款，想想都心累。

1. now I don't even want to set the password for the bank card. I am tired of using six digits to protect two digit deposits.

爆笑笑话笑死人不偿命

2．朋友劝我别买宾利了，几百万也是开十几年报废，不如买Q7，开三年卖了还能值个四十多万，还能买个新车。又劝我去三亚买几个商铺，收租一年几十万够我零花了。活的健康些，再弄个游艇，私人码头，没事游游泳，海钓一把。我感觉他们说的很有道理，决定就这么办！现在万事俱备，就看今晚双色球开什么号码了。

2. My friend advised me not to buy Bentley. A few million yuan is also discarded after ten years of driving. It's better to buy a Q7. After three years of driving, it's worth more than four hundred thousand yuan and a new car. I was advised to go to Sanya to buy some shops, and the rent of several hundred thousand a year was enough for my pocket money. Live healthy, get a yacht, a private dock, swim and fish. I feel that what they said is very reasonable, so I decided to do it! Now everything is ready. It depends on the number of the two color ball tonight.

3．有些情侣注定是会在一起一辈子的，我能看出来，因为他们给人的感觉就是除了对方再没人会喜欢他们俩了。

3. Some couples are destined to be together for a lifetime. I can see that because they give people the feeling that no one will like them except the other.

4．觉得身体有毛病的千万别在百度上查，每次一查完我就想立遗嘱。

4. Don't check on Baidu if you feel sick. I want to make a will every time I check.

5．玩这么久了，准备退了，正式的。 QQ也不准备玩了，最后和大家道个别吧，挺舍不得你们的，就是这么久了然后认识了一群人，虽然有很多人我好像也不太很熟，但是认识你们真很开心，这次退呢，主要原因是手机没电了，等下充满了，我就回来了。

5. I've been playing for so long. I'm ready to leave. It's official. QQ is not ready to play. Finally, I'd like to say goodbye to you. I've known a group of people for such a long time. Although there are many people I don't seem to know very well, I'm very happy to know you. The main reason for returning is that my mobile phone is dead. When it's full, I'll come back.

6．男友：亲爱的，我刚听到报道说高速路上有一辆车在逆行，你要小心！女友：一辆？我看一百辆都不止！

Boyfriend: honey, I just heard the report that there is a car going retrograde on the highway. You should be careful! Girlfriend: one? I think there are more than one hundred!

7．今天去医院已被确诊为抑郁症，情绪进入低谷状态，变的腼腆自闭，焦虑不安，希望朋友们可以请我出去吃吃饭，看看电影，喝喝咖啡，吃吃烤串，旅旅游，爬爬山，开导开导我。

7. Today, I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with depression. My mood went into a low state. I became shy, autistic and anxious. I hope my friends can invite me out to eat, watch movies, drink coffee, eat kebabs, travel, climb mountains and enlighten me.

8．打了多年排球的学姐参加她朋友的婚礼，在抢捧花的时候，捧花被新娘高高抛起，众多妹纸蜂拥而上，唯有学姐一跃而起，抓准时机，脱颖而出，然后本能的对那束捧花来了个大力扣杀，花碎了一地，她至今未嫁。

8. The student sister who played volleyball for many years attended her friend's wedding. When she grabbed the bouquet, the bride threw the bouquet high, and many girls swarmed into it. Only the student sister jumped up and grasped the opportunity to stand out. Then instinctively, she smashed the bouquet. The bouquet broke. She has not married yet.

9．表妹问我：姐，你觉得完美男朋友的标准是什么？我果断的说了句：别人的！

9. My cousin asked me: sister, what do you think is the standard for a perfect boyfriend? I said decisively: others!

10．你我互道晚安，却在王者峡谷相遇。

10. You and I say good night to each other, but meet in the king's Canyon.

11．一朋友，卖水果的，他说卖了十几年了都没挣到什么钱，但是一直不愿转行，原因是：我的水果摊位桌子都很低，每天大量美女低头挑水果是我坚持下去的动力！

11. A friend, a fruit seller, said that he didn't make any money after selling for more than ten years, but he didn't want to change his career. The reason is: my fruit stall table is very low, and a large number of beautiful women bow their heads to pick fruit every day is the driving force for me to persist!

12．前几天做错事，被老婆罚跪遥控器，不准换台，一晚上累个半死。第二天去找老丈人，老丈人支招，把电池扣出来就好了。果然好用。好日子过了没几天，后来被老婆发现了，于是变了个法，不定时的让我换台，说换哪个台，我就得给跪出来。无奈，又去找老丈人支招。老丈人说这个简单，再买一个遥控器放口袋里，要换哪个，直接按上就行。果然好使。看来，姜还是老的辣啊。

12. I did something wrong the other day, and my wife punished me to kneel on the remote controller. I was not allowed to change the remote controller. I was tired and half dead one night. The next day, I went to see my father-in-law. He offered me a move to buckle up the battery. It's really easy to use. After a few days of good life, my wife found out later, so she changed her way. She asked me to change the channel from time to time, saying which channel to change, I would have to kneel out. However, I went to the old man for help. The father-in-law said it was simple. He bought another remote control and put it in his pocket. If you want to change it, just press it. Sure enough. It seems that ginger is still hot.

13．成绩可以拉开我们的距离，但是改变不了我比你帅的事实。

13. Achievements can open our distance, but they can't change the fact that I am more handsome than you.

14．一天我走在大街上，见一算命先生，于是算了一卦，他看到我的手突然扑通跪下，我怔住了，他说：您有皇上像。我拍了他一耳光：你他妈吓死朕了！

14. One day when I was walking in the street, I saw a fortune teller, so I made a divination. When he saw my hand suddenly sprang to my knees, I was stunned. He said, "you have the image of the emperor.". I slapped him on the face: you scared me to death!

15．人生如梦，我总失眠；人生如戏，我总穿帮；人生如歌，我总跑调；人生如战场，我总走火。

15. Life is like a dream, I always lose sleep; life is like a play, I always help; life is like a song, I always run out of tune; life is like a battlefield, I always lose fire.

16．亲爱的老公，你现在使劲喝酒！使劲抽烟！等你老了，身体不行了！我就每天用轮椅推你到公园！让你看着我和别的老头跳广场舞，然后晚上再推你回家，遇到下坡，嗖~走你！

16. Dear husband, you are drinking hard now! Smoke hard! When you're old, you're out of shape! I'll push you to the park in a wheelchair every day! Let you watch me dance with other old men in the square, and then push you home in the evening. When it comes to downhill, whoosh ~ walk you!